Athlete Street Fight
November 12th 2006 10:37
The last entry about Lance Armstrong, coupled with perusing the Internet and coming across episode synopsises from celebrity boxing pushed the thinking wheels in my head into motion. Who would win in various athlete street fights? I chose the street fight rather than boxing because a) I imagine copyright laws prevent me from writing about something similar to celebrity boxing b) There is a wider opportunity for unforeseen events in street fights, and I prefer my imaginary situations to be unpredictable.
So, with the Lance Armstrong marathon debate fresh in our minds, the fist athlete street fight will feature two greats: Lance “The Man in Yellow” Armstrong, and Haile “Why doesn’t anyone outside of Ethiopia know who I am” Grebrselassie. Armstrong multiple Tour de France winner, G., multiple Olympic and World Championships medallist over 5000-10 000 meters.
It would begin something like this: Haile would be walking down the street, in the middle of the sidewalk, because you can do that when you are Haile Gebrselassie. Armstrong is riding down the street, sun reflecting off of his helmet. This reflection, however, shines into G.’s eye, burning his retina, and causing him to drop the handful of cherries he is casually munching. Lance refuses to apologise, on the grounds that he is not Jesus and cannot direct where the sunlight shines. The stage has been set for athlete street fight.
Gebrelassie has amazing reach, given his height, and his sinewy muscles bead with sweat as the takes may a swipe at Armstrong. He feels convinced that he can outlast his opponent and just needs to tire Armstrong out. He has managed to confuse Lance by landing a series of upper cut punches on his opponent’s jaw. Lance, despite looking like your average endurance athlete from the waist up, possesses superhuman strength from the hips down, and swiftly delivers a flurry of devastating kicks to the shins. After decades of logging high mileage, G.’s shins cannot withstand the impact, and shatter on impact.
The winner is Armstrong. The prize? Someone has to eat the cherries that fell on the sidewalk.
So, with the Lance Armstrong marathon debate fresh in our minds, the fist athlete street fight will feature two greats: Lance “The Man in Yellow” Armstrong, and Haile “Why doesn’t anyone outside of Ethiopia know who I am” Grebrselassie. Armstrong multiple Tour de France winner, G., multiple Olympic and World Championships medallist over 5000-10 000 meters.
It would begin something like this: Haile would be walking down the street, in the middle of the sidewalk, because you can do that when you are Haile Gebrselassie. Armstrong is riding down the street, sun reflecting off of his helmet. This reflection, however, shines into G.’s eye, burning his retina, and causing him to drop the handful of cherries he is casually munching. Lance refuses to apologise, on the grounds that he is not Jesus and cannot direct where the sunlight shines. The stage has been set for athlete street fight.
Gebrelassie has amazing reach, given his height, and his sinewy muscles bead with sweat as the takes may a swipe at Armstrong. He feels convinced that he can outlast his opponent and just needs to tire Armstrong out. He has managed to confuse Lance by landing a series of upper cut punches on his opponent’s jaw. Lance, despite looking like your average endurance athlete from the waist up, possesses superhuman strength from the hips down, and swiftly delivers a flurry of devastating kicks to the shins. After decades of logging high mileage, G.’s shins cannot withstand the impact, and shatter on impact.
The winner is Armstrong. The prize? Someone has to eat the cherries that fell on the sidewalk.
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